Saturday, October 27, 2012

A good end to a no good very bad morning

Little d has gone to bed for now the third night in a row after 9, which wouldn't be such a huge problem if he wasn't used to going to bed between 730 and 8, since regardless of bedtime he will be awake by 6 (unless there's a Haley's comet sort of day like there was on Sunday). I think the craziness of his schedule must have caught up with him since the last two days went a little like this.

4am yesterday morning I woke up, afraid to fall back asleep and sleep through my alarm. I was leaving at 630 to babysit my friend's son, and of I was late it would mean her husband would be late to dental school. Not on my watch. Of course aside from going to the gym by 9am, I never HAVE to be anywhere super early anymore (at least not before the child arises) but he has a tendency to sleep in on days that I do need to get somewhere (only a problem when i depend on him as an alarm) and today was no different. The anxiety I felt for over two hours in which I was not able to go back to sleep was well founded, since I had to wake little d up by placing him in the car.

After a fun but exhausting morning chasing after/stopping fights between two two year old boys, I elected to opt out of my standard afternoon nap to spend time with my sister who was only in town for about 36 hours. No regrets there. We had a great day and by the time I got home from dinner to put little d to bed at 9 it was already time to pick up mr. D from the airport.

Then all to soon came midnight. I'd been trying to fall asleep but pregnancy insomnia was hitting me hard. Little d started crying. Not super loud and only a few minutes on and off but enough to keep me awake debating is it molars? Is he hungry? Should I get him?

Long story short, the hours of 1 am to 3 am were terribly trying and I could not understand what was wrong with little d. Who only sleeps three hours and decides they're done for the night?! I mean didn't he realize i hadn't slept in more than 22 hours?!?! So rude. Then mr d being the angel husband that he is, stepped in and took little d downstairs to play with him till 630 am while i finally got some sleep. What a saint. I woke up long enough to help put the babe back to sleep and We three then passed out till 930, when our saturday finally began for real.

I thought two weeks ago that I felt TBD moving... Whatever I felt I haven't felt it since. Must have been gas bubbles? Anyway, tonight while bowling with both my favorite boys for the first time as a family, I felt that oh so familiar feeling. It took me by surprise, since I was used to only feeling baby (at least in the early weeks), while relaxed and sitting or laying down. But I felt him/her while jumping up and down cheering for little d bowling for the first time. As if his little brother or sister knew what was going on and couldn't wait to join in. I've been feeling these movements on and off all evening and am relieved and excited... Feeling movement, finding out the gender, and the burgeoning belly growth are the "making this whole pregnancy experience real" trifecta for me, which will officially be complete (hopefully) in less than two weeks when we can start planning for a little brother or sister.

Some parts of pregnancy make it feel like its lasting an eternity but truth be told even with the occasional sleepless craziness, I am already feeling a bit hesitant about the transition from 1 to 2. I know I will love this baby equally as I love little d but it's still such an abstract thought that it is difficult to not imagine this little intruder cramping our mommy-son bonding time. When i initially thought about the kids being 3 years apart i thought it was too far apart... Now that we are inching closer to reality i am wishing we had waited a little longer... Or maybe i could just bottle up two year old little d, with all his kisses, hugs, silliness and funny catch phrases and keep him this way forever. He may have a few sleeping kinks to work out but personality wise, he is perfection.

Seriously though. I am hoping the gender reveal and accompanying use of his/her name in a few weeks will help soften my heart towards this new baby because I am feeling awfully attached to my firstborn....

We have been through so much together, but I try to remember love is never divided, only multiplied.

While I spend most troubled days (ok it was just a few hours for me) struggling to understand "why me?" in my trials (and it doesn't always come in a moment of perfect clarity like it did for me this morning), today I was reassured of my husbands love for me and his decision to be a partner in raising our boy. Not that I usually have doubts about that sort of thing, but while I married him for his looks, personality, and of course the fabulous way he wooed me into courtship, I truly had no idea what kind of father he was going to be until he became one.

He continues to exceed my expectations.


Sarah Elizabeth Kron said...

I love this post. You're so real in your blogging and honest and I just love ittttt. So much. So so much. (:

Just remember that you were worried about sharing your love for Mr. D when little D came along...and your love really has just multiplied. It'll be the same way for baby D #2. With some leftover love for the Kevs, of course. (;

Love youuuuuuuuuuuuuu. CAN'T WAIT TO FIND OUT THE GENDER EITHER! just a little excited (: xox hope you get some sleep tonight! praying for a sunday miracle for you.

Sarah Elizabeth Kron said...

*another sunday miracle (:

siovhan said...

My mom once told me that your love only multiplies with each kid, and it's different with/for each one (like I'm sure you've heard a billion times), but she shocked me when she said it's always way different with the rest than with the oldest. She said every mom she's ever talked to has a much different love and relationship with their oldest child than they do with the rest because they were all that mom's firsts and the one they got the most one-on-one time with. And I think that's a-okay. You'll be the BEST MOM EVER to both, but it's okay to have a special first-kid spot for little D. :)

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