Friday, July 22, 2011

Post #1001: I am... (part 2)

I guess when you have 1001 blogposts, you start to wonder what started all this business in the first place. So here I have, my very first entry into this blog, 1000 posts ago:
The interesting thing about this post is it started this yearlong journey of calling my blog "Identity Crisis"... which one day turned into "Read. Run. Create." because that was what I did. It was my life. Then I got pregnant and the running was put on hold. Then I slept too much to really read. So all I was doing was baby-making.

Then... I had a Baby D.

And while I was a mother, I was also a full-time art teacher. And an artist. And a homemaker. And I loved to cook. And bake. I loved spending the whole day devouring a good book cover-to-cover or watch a Friends marathon. And of course there was running.
For some reason, even after knowing what I know about Oprah's 3 things, I was trying to be someone (or everyone) that I was not. I was trying to be a pro blogger, master artist and a bunch of other things that are not really in my deck of cards for being able to complete. Time and season. And as much as I tried to sidestep it over the last year, because of some false pretense that being proud to be a SAHM was a terrible thing. Those little nagging voices in my head told me that wasn't good enough, didn't make enough money, wasn't glamorous enough. I thought it was something I didn't want because I have so many around me that are constantly telling me they could NEVER feel truly fulfilled as a SAHM. There must be something else in your life is your #1, right? Wrong.
There are a lot of unnecessary things I have cut out of my life since I stopped working last month. I felt the need to comment on everyone's blogs and be this super-blogger so that I could get all these comments back but to be honest, that is just not me. I did it for awhile and it was too exhausting for my taste. I like comments, but I don't need them the way some people do. If people read my blog, great. If not, I'm not at any loss for it. I don't need to blog every day. I do, sometimes, but the beauty of having such a handsome family is I can just post pictures and not a whole lecture (like this post is) and leave it at that.

To be completely honest, it is one of my favorite things to have someone tell me, in person, how much they like my blog, or a certain post. One remark like that is worth more than a million "he's so cute" comments. Especially when they come from my family members, who (other than me and my two D's), are my target audience!
I really thought I had things nearly figured out back in 2007, especially later in the year when I had my major chosen, then graduated and got a job in said major. But [post-baby] the title of "art teacher" just didn't define me in a way that felt fulfilling. Too bad that nearly 4 years later, I am undergoing an entirely new "Identity Crisis," much more complex than anything I had to deal with when we were newlywed DINKs.

Do you want to know a secret?
I think I finally have it all figured out. The secret to my happiness and my identity. And it was right in front of me all along, so simple I nearly missed it.
I am....
1) A wife.
2) A mother.
3) A runner.
And that's it. Those are my 3 things that I want to spend all my time doing, that I want to do extremely well, in that order. Sure, there are a million other things it would be awesome to be pro at (or even half decent) but I am learning to really live in and love the moment I am in. When I was 16-20, I loved being single. When I was 20 (and every day since) I loved being married to Mr. D. And now, at age 25, I am finally learning to delve into my calling for this time in my life... I love being a married mama.
There is literally nothing in this world that I would rather be doing 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
To each his own, but this girl has found her true calling.

I am so so blessed to be a SAHM. I have dozens of friends who are hard working mamas that would LOVE to be in my position right now. I never thought it would be fulfilling to be a fulltime mom, but it is. I never get anything done these days on my "to do" list like I did when I was working full-time outside the home (ironic, isn't it, that I had more time to myself when I got paid to work 40 hours a week??) but just recently, I realized, that doesn't matter.

So what if I have 10 books on my nightstand that will probably take me the next 24 months or so to actually read through? So what if I am not making money. It was only recently when I accepted that it was OK for me to love being (and NOT feel at all guilty about being) a SAHM, that I really started to enjoy myself with little D. I found myself less frustrated with him when something didn't go the way I planned it to, and overall happier to be around him ALL the time. I am crazy about this boy and I'm not ashamed to say it. I still have running as my little hobby for the time being, but for right now, I am LOVING being a mom. Because that is who I am. And I am proud. I really am.

6 comments:

Have Your Way said...

:)

love ya!

Tara Black said...

This post makes me so happy. Staying home with your kiddos is the best possible thing. Plus, little D is really, really cute. :)

Rachelle Wardle said...

Such a beautiful post Ruth. Seriously thanks for sharing, I can relate to this a lot.

You are amazing and I seriously just love you to peices.

sarah said...

(((: this is so so happy. my heart is smiling. i love you!

Rochelle said...

You are awesome...I wish I was like you on the people don't need to comment - it's why my personal blog is private - so only my family can see...cause I feel like I'm sharing a huge part of my life and personality and I don't have enough self esteem to not correlate no comments with it being ok...haha. I'm retarded I know!

Dustin is ADORABLE!!

anna. said...

buzz-buzz-buzz lightyear to the rescue!

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