Friday, January 21, 2011

that's my boy.

I've had so much going through my head the last few weeks I hardly know where to begin.
My life has never been so full/crazy/stressful/wonderful/exciting/terrifying all at once before. Every morning when Baby D wakes up at 4am (or earlier!) I want to kiss him, love him, and cry at my lack of sleep and the fact that I have such few precious hours of sleep before work in the morning.

To say my life the last two (okay, six) months hasn't been a roller coaster would be a lie. That balance thing continues to haunt me and I'm only able to do so many things half as good as I want to and nothing is 100% where I want it to be. Last night I was a real monster (go ahead, ask Mr. D). Baby D wouldn't go to bed till 9, then proceeded to wake up at midnight and 3am by which point I had just hit my tipping point. I completely lost it. And I am not a hot-headed person by any stretch of the imagination, but there is something about wanting to get "x, y, and z" done and being so far from attaining that that just drives me (regretfully) into boiling anger/frustration. Being the type A that I am, I HATE not being perfect in one aspect of my life.... much less ALL of them! It is so frustrating. Sometimes I will punch my pillow or channel that energy into a good run. Most of the time I just sit there, pumping, completely numb and unable to shed a tear, I am so tired and feel so lost. 

Balancing a job and a baby is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. I should be more happy that it only took me (officially) 6 months to shed the ridiculous amount of baby weight I gained, but I will be honest and say at this point, I would rather have a solid 9 hours of sleep a night and be able to spend all day, every day with my little bundle of love instead of go to work. I am never frustrated at Baby D, mind you, and every time I see him (even when he is waking up at all hours of the night) I fall in love all over again. I am frustrated with my situation in life. My weekends are heaven because I love being at home and living by Baby D's schedule (when he naps, I nap...or at least get a break to do laundry or chores) but when Monday rears its ugly little head and I realize that Baby D's schedule never chooses to be compatible with my working one, it is HARD.
Today I took a much-needed half day off of work and did a lot of thinking (and a fair amount of napping, of course!). There are plenty of people in my situation, some much worse off (where they have to work at a job they hate that pays minimum wage or doesn't have vacation days and weekends) and I need to change my attitude about my station in life. 

I don't HAVE to do anything. I could just let Baby D cry (even when I know all he needs is to hear my voice and see me and he lights up like a christmas tree), never show up at work (and get fired), never work out (and get fat) and completely ignore the trashpit my house is becoming (and ignore the smell).
But, of course, I won't.
Today, I, Mrs. D, CHOOSE to look at my glass half full.
I GET to work out and keep my body healthy.
I GET to work a job I like.
I GET to spend time with my little boy.
And I GET to clean my house.
Mr. D has been so patient with me and my ever-increasing number of breakdowns, and I am so grateful for that. But truth be told, I need to find happiness in what I am doing NOW. It's not easy, but one of the motto's I have in life is that I can do difficult things. I am not a quitter and while I cannot be the best, I will be the best I can be (cheesy enough for you? your welcome). And that will start by getting my darling, screaming child out of bed right now to feed him, snuggling with him, and calming myself in the knowledge that I am making a better life for him by bettering myself.

Because while life may never be easy, and we all have things we struggle with, if I can look at my situation positively it makes it FEEL a whole lot easier.

And a little (lot) bit of praying can do wonders as well. :)


Mandy said...

For some reason I read "trashpit" as "trapsh*t" and I just had to start laughing. I loved this post and much like the previous ones something I needed read! Thanks for your inspiration!

anna. said...

baby d + kevs = <3

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