Saturday, July 31, 2010

mommy guilt

I would be lying if I said last night was not a rough night. Baby D was "PURPLE" crying (or so we thought) for quite a while, and while Mr. D was attempting to soothe him, he vomited all over Mr. D, himself, and the crib. So, at 1-ish in the morning (probably later, now that I think about it), we were changing the sheet, mattress cover (thank you mom for buying that extra one for us!), and Baby D's clothes, and I thought, they didn't talk about this in any baby reading I've done (and if there's one thing I do best, it's a lot of reading). And I was planning on going to bed between 10 and 11 last night. Parenting is definitely throwing us for a loop.

And then there's breastfeeding. Nothing that I love more during the day when I am conscious and loathe more at night when I am fumbling around trying to get Baby D to latch on in the dark when I can barely see myself. Last night was when I officially decided we are going to go all-bottle for night feedings, made possible by my darling Mr. D's purchase while I was in the hospital... of the Medela Pump in Style Metro Bag. Hands down the most expensive thing I have ever demanded requested of him that has been of most value to me, but so worth the money to be able to allow others to take over feeding so I can feel a little less like a cow and a little more like a human again... by the way, I was calculating how often Baby D eats a day (around 8-10 times) and how long (about an hour or more each time... we are working on the whole efficiency thing, but its hard when he keeps falling asleep and I have to burp or diaper change him so that he stays awake), and I realized, about 8-10 hours or more of my day is going strictly to feeding. That explains why I never feel like I have time for anything anymore.

And after having Baby D home for a week (today!), I have abused the privilege of The Pump. I was exhausted this morning and basically told Mr. D to take over the last couple of feedings (with such little sleep, its hard to keep track of how many he did this early/late morning) and now that I am recently awake, Aunti Bananas is watching Baby D and I am eating breakfast, poor Mr. D is pooped out on the couch. I feel so bad that he lost so much sleep on my account. Welcome to my world of mommy guilt. I feel immediately selfish for making him take those feedings because I was too tired, but in a sense relieved that I did because I am more alert this morning than usual. Guilt, guilt, guilt. It's hard to find a good balance between everything, especially where babies are concerned. During the day the attention they require seems almost minimal to the attention they need at night, when suddenly the only available caretakers come down to him and I. I am so lucky and grateful that I have such a supportive and helpful husband... I just wish I could learn to overcome this sleeping selfishness and be able to do more to be a better wife and mother. Its going to take a lot of patience (on his part) and practice (on my part).

And in case you were wondering what PURPLE crying period was, here's a little recap: (occurring in some form in all infants up to 2 months in age, but can last as long as 3-5 months... never really heard about it before the hospital made us watch a 10-minute video about it, but knowing about it is reassuring to me that we will act accordingly when that time does come, because we are prepared for it. Also, a video I am going to make any of Baby D's babysitters watch before we leave him alone with them).

But, overall, life is still so good to us. The most important thing these boys have taught me is to never be afraid to laugh about a situation, because it makes it so much easier to handle.


Mandy said...

My personal favorite is BLUE, when the baby cries, turns blue, and passes out. Wait, maybe just Chloe did that? I had to sign a paper before I brought Chloe home that said I promise to never hit her. I didn't get a video about crying colors. That may have been more helpful.
Welcome to Motherhood. Your announcements were too cute :)

Merrick said...

I think you're so smart to do bottle feeding at night. It took us about a month to figure that one out, but once we did, it's been heaven. Feedings are so much quicker, I don't fall asleep and wake up 3 hours later with a sore neck, and I know for sure that Peanut's getting enough to eat. Best of all worlds.

Hope you feel better...sleeping will come soon!

skroner said...

just love neck rolls (:

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