Saturday, July 31, 2010

mommy guilt

I would be lying if I said last night was not a rough night. Baby D was "PURPLE" crying (or so we thought) for quite a while, and while Mr. D was attempting to soothe him, he vomited all over Mr. D, himself, and the crib. So, at 1-ish in the morning (probably later, now that I think about it), we were changing the sheet, mattress cover (thank you mom for buying that extra one for us!), and Baby D's clothes, and I thought, they didn't talk about this in any baby reading I've done (and if there's one thing I do best, it's a lot of reading). And I was planning on going to bed between 10 and 11 last night. Parenting is definitely throwing us for a loop.

And then there's breastfeeding. Nothing that I love more during the day when I am conscious and loathe more at night when I am fumbling around trying to get Baby D to latch on in the dark when I can barely see myself. Last night was when I officially decided we are going to go all-bottle for night feedings, made possible by my darling Mr. D's purchase while I was in the hospital... of the Medela Pump in Style Metro Bag. Hands down the most expensive thing I have ever demanded requested of him that has been of most value to me, but so worth the money to be able to allow others to take over feeding so I can feel a little less like a cow and a little more like a human again... by the way, I was calculating how often Baby D eats a day (around 8-10 times) and how long (about an hour or more each time... we are working on the whole efficiency thing, but its hard when he keeps falling asleep and I have to burp or diaper change him so that he stays awake), and I realized, about 8-10 hours or more of my day is going strictly to feeding. That explains why I never feel like I have time for anything anymore.

And after having Baby D home for a week (today!), I have abused the privilege of The Pump. I was exhausted this morning and basically told Mr. D to take over the last couple of feedings (with such little sleep, its hard to keep track of how many he did this early/late morning) and now that I am recently awake, Aunti Bananas is watching Baby D and I am eating breakfast, poor Mr. D is pooped out on the couch. I feel so bad that he lost so much sleep on my account. Welcome to my world of mommy guilt. I feel immediately selfish for making him take those feedings because I was too tired, but in a sense relieved that I did because I am more alert this morning than usual. Guilt, guilt, guilt. It's hard to find a good balance between everything, especially where babies are concerned. During the day the attention they require seems almost minimal to the attention they need at night, when suddenly the only available caretakers come down to him and I. I am so lucky and grateful that I have such a supportive and helpful husband... I just wish I could learn to overcome this sleeping selfishness and be able to do more to be a better wife and mother. Its going to take a lot of patience (on his part) and practice (on my part).

And in case you were wondering what PURPLE crying period was, here's a little recap: (occurring in some form in all infants up to 2 months in age, but can last as long as 3-5 months... never really heard about it before the hospital made us watch a 10-minute video about it, but knowing about it is reassuring to me that we will act accordingly when that time does come, because we are prepared for it. Also, a video I am going to make any of Baby D's babysitters watch before we leave him alone with them).

But, overall, life is still so good to us. The most important thing these boys have taught me is to never be afraid to laugh about a situation, because it makes it so much easier to handle.

Friday, July 30, 2010

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Bathtime/Tummytime with Dad

Mr. D braved the first bath at home... and did amazing!
(quite a feat since Baby D hates being naked)
and then he worked on Baby D's Bostonian vocabulary with a book called "Goodnight Boston"...
I would not be at all surprised if his first word was "Yastrzemski"

Tuesday, July 27, 2010


One Week old as of last night!
(organic teddy bear courtesy of Aunti Bananas)
The Kevs loves his little brother enough to let him use him for a pillow!


Although he is a total Daddy's boy,
Baby D has done his fare share of schmoozing with extended family....
Uncle Mike!

Granny...90 years old and going strong.

Great Grandpa Phil
Aunt Sheryl who bought him that adorable Baby Gap outfit he is wearing.
And Uncle Chris...who just happens to match him!

A week of Baby D in pictures

Thankfully, he's happy and healthy at home now, but the past week has been pretty crazy...
A shaky start for Baby D

Our poor baby
Adoring Daddy
My first moments with Baby D
I was so drugged up...
Dad wanted his chest measured... not quite sure why.
Baby D flirting with the hospital photographer
Mr. D teaching me how to feed our son
The Stinkeye
Mr. D is a feeding Pro

The Hospital Experience: Part 2

After the epidural, I felt amazing but had the shakes for about two hours. I had a fever of 102 yet was freezing for what seemed like an eternity right after the initial shakes, gradually progressing to being in a total sweatfest I was so warm. My only (pathetically) consolation was that because of the way baby D was situated inside of me, his heart rate dropped every time I would lie on my right side, which left me to only lying on my left side, facing the monitors and away from where Mr. D was seated so he couldn’t see me crying. I had been on oxygen for about the last half of my labor, staring intently at the two monitors, one measuring my contractions’ intensity and the second displaying the sad correlation it had to my little guy’s heartbeat—dropping after every contraction. The nurses had asked me if I took Castor oil (I didn’t, I’m no fool) because of how intense and rapidly progressing my contractions were in the last few hours. With a broken heart (and a very fragile emotional state), I was wheeled into the first surgery of my life.

            The surgeons saturated my body with more epidural, and I could no longer feel anything below my ribcage. The anesthesiologist was talking with me, ensuring that I couldn’t feel anything and telling me to let me know if it was too intense and he would just put me under. I remember saying “ow” a few times as I felt like someone had grabbed my midsection and was just pulling and jerking me around. At some time, Mr. D (decked out in scrubs, so all I could see were his eyes) approached the side of my head and reassured me by saying something (what he said I cannot remember for the life of me) and before I knew it, he was gone. I didn’t hear any crying and immediately started grilling the anesthesiologist—was my baby out yet? (yes)…Why wasn’t he crying (He didn’t know)…Was my husband with him? (Yes)… What were they doing to me now? (stitching me up)….and I remember babbling to him and not really knowing what I was saying. Not that it mattered, since he probably just tuned me out. I saw my little boy briefly, wet with dark hair (or so I thought) with a little cone head from being (I assume) in my birth canal for so long, poor thing. He did not look good, and literally within seconds he was whisked away from me, with Mr. D assuring that he would stay with him (which we had thankfully already discussed). So, left to myself, I was content to stare at the bright lights and listen numbly to the two male surgeons having a conversation about work scheduling conflicts while they sewed me up.  I was wheeled back back into my room and there was not much I remember except feeling exhausted and really upset that I did not have my little boy in my arms. They then took me to a new room where I would be for the rest of the week and I remember crying a lot because I knew something was wrong with him and no one could/would tell me what.
            Even looking over those words, I am completely upset and in tears. That night was so miserable and I remember wondering what on earth I could have done to prevent what had happened to my son. I was told he was in the NICU and I would not be able to see him. I felt so guilty and mad and sad and then the next thing I knew (around 1am), a nurse came in with my little man swaddled in blankets and told me my angel Doctor M had given special permission for me to have baby D in my room for a few minutes so that I could see him. Of course, I was overjoyed and completely overcome with gratitude. The nurse even let me hold him for a half an hour, even though she said I could only hold him 15 minutes. I felt so lucky. He was beautiful. I couldn’t believe I had made something so perfect. Here’s a little something Drew wrote about the whole experience:
            “The lady teaching the prenatal class told us that at least one of the three steps (pregnancy, birth, & post-birth) would be difficult.  From Mr. D's point of view it seemed like the Mrs'. pregnancy wasn't easy, but it went pretty well.  The birth on the other hand...not so easy.  Baby D's heart rate kept dropping then going back to fairly normal throughout her labor so he was under a lot of stress, Mrs. D had a fever of 102, Baby D was face up (the doctor said that would make pushing last about an extra 2 hours and Baby D wouldn't have been able to handle that), Baby D pooped in the womb before coming out (a.k.a. meconium), Baby D wasn't breathing when he came out so they had to intensely rub his back and give him a gas mask type thing to pump air through his lungs, and Baby D had no use of his muscles when he was first born so he was like a limp noodle.  Other than that everything went well.  Baby D slowly, but surely recovered and became a "normal", healthy baby.”
            The rest of the week started out absolutely horrible: getting up for the first time out of bed to see my son in the NICU only to vomit about four times in a row the small amount of saltines and water I had been able to stomach that day, attempting breastfeeding when I could barely pump three drops of colostrum and baby D had been on formula for the first day of his life…. I kept making my son cry because he was so hungry, which in turn would make me cry and seriously doubt if I had it in me to even attempt to be a competent mother. What had I done wrong to deserve this?? My birth plan coming in was literally three things: 1) Get my epidural ASAP, 2) Deliver a healthy baby by any means possible, and 3) Breastfeed and bond with my baby boy ASAP. That was it! Was that really asking too much? I really hit rock bottom in a way I have never felt in my life. It was devastating. But I pressed on, knowing that if I kept going I could only move forward and things could only get better. (One of the worst parts about the week? My feet and ankles were so swollen from fluid retention that I could barely walk on them!)
            I was right.  Soon I could walk whole pushing a wheelchair, then walk on my own (at a snail’s pace of course), and start eating even though I had no appetite, everything I did was entirely motivated by thoughts of my Baby D, with Mr. D as my rock and support (with quite a bit of help from mom and Bananas of course).  On Friday I shouted silent hallelujahs as my milk came in, I was taken off the IV’s and I was able to confidently feed my little boy at last. I went home late Friday night, and Baby D followed suit the next night and came home with us.
            A rough first time hospital experience, but the result was completely worth it: I have my little boy. And today he had his one week checkup and he weighs 8 pounds 1 ounce! Only about 3 pounds less than his two month old second cousin. Ever since I came back form the hospital, I have been so unbelievably, blissfully happy. Baby D is COMPLETELY worth every pound I gained, every pain I had, every trial that accompanied my labor. He is our little miracle baby.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Per request for My dad... Lovely Ladies

My dad is such a trooper. As of Wednesday, he has not seen my mom in three weeks, and Bananas in just about as long! Although he will be getting my mom back on Friday, this will hopefully keep him happy until then. :) I hope you are ready to get photo happy, because I still have a lot to catch up on!

Happy Sunday

When Baby D woke me up at 7:45 this morning, I had no intention of going to church. But after feeding him, I felt good enough to have a shower and shave my legs (tmi?), the latter for the first time in a week. It felt so good. I felt so good. As I ate breakfast, I thought to myself how lucky so very blessed I am to have this beautiful, healthy baby boy, a wonderful husband who took the night feeding, jobs we love, family and friends who continue to love and support us in everything we ever stand in need of, and of course, the restored gospel of Jesus Christ.

This past week has been pretty rough, but with His help, I made it through smiling. The hymn "Because I have been given much" ran through my mind and I knew what I had to do... our little family went to three hours of church, and then spent the rest of the day with family. It was SO good. And yes, I know I have loads of pictures to catch you up with. Stay posted!

"Because I have been given much, I too must give; Because of thy great bounty, Lord, each day I live. I shall divide my gifts from thee, with every brother that I see who has the need of help from me. Because I have been blessed by thy great love, dear Lord. I'll share thy love again, according to Thy word. I shall give love to those in need; I'll show that love by word and deed: Thus shall my thanks be thanks in deed."

Saturday, July 24, 2010

stolen from auntie bananas' blog

hospital adventures.

mrs. d had a baby on monday (eek!) and everything has been a crazy whirlwind ever since then. baby d should be coming home soon, but until's some highlights (and lowlights) from the week.

1. holy hand sanitizer, batman. i don't think i've ever been as disinfected as i've been the past few days ( : apparently the hospital won an award this summer for best use of hand sanitizer (how would you even measure that?) and i'm not even surprised.

2. if you are thinking of having a baby at the a.f. hospital, try to request NOT being taken care of by CHRISTA G. not only is she a total crazy nurse, but she may or may not make super-rude comments about your unborn baby and leave you in your room and never come back.

3. one of the funny things about being at the hospital late: every night when we left, the security guard would check our bags to make sure we didn't take any babies home with us.

4. fong's asian diner. it's on the corner of state street and 2000 and it is yummy! we went yesterday and got these adorable bento boxes and they were delicious. plus, when you walk in, it looks like a classic diner (a la 1950's). if you're ever close...totally check it out.
5. wheel of fortune word searches -- omg. probably the bane of my existence but at least it kept me occupied for a few hours at a time while waiting my turn to hang out with baby d.

6. baby d is super-adorable. i have a really cute nephew. i could say it a few more different ways, but that's pretty much it. congrats Mr and Mrs D on making a baby!

The Hospital Experience: Part 1

 I know most people reading this are not going to care about every little detail of what happened on Sunday/Monday, but since this is my blog/journal and I print it off via Blog2Print every 6 months to have a physical copy of it, this was important for me to record and remember. I won't be offended if you don't read it, so just come back Monday and I'll have loads more pictures and much less words. :)

 Everyone tells me you start to lose the details with each passing day, so I wanted to be sure I kept a good (or at least how I remember everything) record of everything up to this point now that I am not so medicated and am feeling much better than a few days ago… but somehow it feels like weeks.
            Sunday during church was probably when I realized something was going on. I went through the first two hours and just felt funny, and the false labor contractions certainly weren’t helping. I constantly felt like I had to go to the bathroom, but I never really had to. Mr. D took me home around 11, and I immediately fell asleep (with the Kevs cuddled up against me, of course) for a few hours. When I woke up, the contractions were gone, so I went about my usual business, made and had dinner, then went on a late walk with Mr. D, on our usual half-hour route around the neighborhood. It was really warm, so I had to remember to get my waterbottle, which came in handy the two or three times my contractions bothered me and we had to stop. Other than that, it was a typical walk, with swollen feet and hands but I felt good afterwards. Mr. D, Bananas and I watched TV for a little bit, and contractions increased to a few an hour. By midnight, I was exhausted and ready to go to bed.
            So it was technically the wee hours of Monday morning and I was having contractions every 10 minutes, lasting about a minute apiece. The best way I can think to describe them is it felt like the last few seconds of a race, where yeah, it hurts, but in a “hurts so good” way. But instead of feeling that in my legs (like I would feel in a race), it would start to tingle in my lower abdomen and creep its way around my lower back, increasing in intensity around second 30 and then fading by the 45 second or minute mark. I laid in bed for most of those contractions, trying to sleep because I felt it was probably the real deal, but didn’t get a wink.
            At 3 am, 3 hours into the contractions (with Mr. D sleeping peacefully next to me), they started to pick up in intensity. Instead of glancing at the clock every time a contraction started, I glared at my stopwatch to time them, since they started lasting just over a minute and were now every 8 minutes on average. I had to keep getting up every 15 minutes to go to the bathroom and just… sit. I rarely had to do anything, but it was just a habit I picked up in high school when I would start a bad period. There was something so soothing about sitting on The Throne that would always make me feel better than taking Advil or some other painkiller for cramps. By 5:45am, I was ready to go. In between contractions, I took a shower, gathered my things and woke up Mr. D to go to the hospital.
            Around 6am, I got to the hospital and we hauled all our stuff into the main entrance and up to labor and delivery. They took us into a tiny room, where they checked me: 2cm. TWO?! I was appalled. I almost asked the nurse to check again. So they kept me for an hour, during which contractions got worse and I thought for sure I would keep dilating. No such luck. They sent me home with some pain meds that would supposedly last 4 hours and would subside the contractions.
            Once home, around 8am, I made a quick peanut butter banana sandwich (little did I know), my “last supper,” for breakfast, and went back to bed. ONE hour later, I woke up with 90 second contractions about 6 minutes apart. I stayed in bed, frequently changing positions in an attempt to ease my discomfort. I was beyond furious (in my mind) at that nurse for lying to my face. I wanted go back to the hospital, if for nothing else just to punch her.
            By noon, I was a mess. In tears, leaning against the side of my bed while attempting to stand, I begged Mr. D for a (quick) blessing and we drove to the hospital. I didn’t want to jinx it this time, so I made him leave all our stuff in the car. I could barely make it out of the car and was crippled over in pain, as a guy nearby in the parking lot asked if I needed a wheelchair. I still had my pride intact, and shook my head “no,” as I breathed through the contraction. As we walked through the front doors, hand in hand, tears started streaming down my face. I was in so much pain and all I could think of was, “they CAN’T send me home.” I was positively miserable the whole elevator ride, and Mr. D had to make the phone call to let me into the admittance area of labor and delivery. The nurse/secretary recognized me, and when she double-checked how to spell my last name, I lost it. I was blubbering like an idiot, so Mr. D gave her the required information and they led us into a different, much larger room, which I soon found out was a labor and delivery room, since all the triage rooms (like the one I had sat in for an hour earlier that day) were full at the moment. I changed into my hospital clothes, tears in my eyes welling up as I though of the nurse-escort’s final words to us before getting a nurse to check me: “Hopefully you’ll be far enough along that you will just get to stay in here.” I had a sinking feeling I would not be so lucky.
            The new nurse came in, and said that one of my OBs. Dr. M, had seen me come into the hospital, and told the nurses to get me permanently set up in that room with my IV, antibiotics (for group strep B), and whatever pain medication I wanted, as soon as possible. If I haven’t mentioned this man is an angel, here is the perfect time: at that very moment, I ADORED my OB. 15 minutes (=an eternity) later, my anesthesiologist came in with my liquid gold, “Here are the risks, blah blah blah” and transformed me back from Mrs. Hyde into Dr. Jekyll (Mr. D’s words, not mine). I felt alive again, happy and carefree. I could feel my legs, but they felt a little asleep. I could feel Baby D but not the dreaded horrors of contractions I was feeling. I was only a 3 or 4 (they usually only admit at 5 cm, so I knew I was super lucky) and could still have juice, ice, and water…life was so good. My mom and sister and Mr. D were joined by D&M a few hours later. And that nurse I wanted to strangle initially from earlier that morning? She got put with me again, and ended up being my absolute favorite nurse. She got the homemade chocolate chip cookies Bananas made, and I was sad to see her go at 6pm.
            The hospital updates (since it all went by in a blur at that point) were well-documented by Baby D’s aunties via Facebook…kind of nice that they were time stamped, too: (but keep in mind that Surah was in the Eastern Time Zone, whereas Bananas was in Mountain Standard Time Zone, so that is why the times differ so dramatically...take my word for it when I say that I put the updates in correct order)

calling it! (:
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Bananas: ‎| guess who's in the hospital? Mrs. D + Mr. D= BABY TIMEEE!
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Surah: Mrs. D IS CURRENTLY IN THE HOSPITAL RECEIVING HER EPIDURAL!! she's 4cm along! ayayayyayayaya baby D day has finally comeeeeeeeeee!!!!!! :) :) :)
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Surah:  Mrs. D’s water broke just a bit ago!! however, her temperature is a little high which has caused baby D's heart-rate to accelerate, so please keep them in your prayers right now!!!!! we obviously want them both to come out of this as healthy as possible!
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Surah: Mrs. D is 7cm along nowwwwwww!! this baby's coming quick!!!!!!!!!!!!! (:
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Surah:  Mrs. D is at NINE AND A HALF centimeters! contractions are every minute and a halfffffffff!!!!!!! (: ayayayayayyaa!
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Surah:  AHHHH THE TIME'S FINALLY COMEEEEE!!!!  Mrs. D is at TEN centimeters and the doctors have arrived!!!!!!!! IT'S BABY D TIMEEEEEE (((((((:
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Surah: weighing in at 7 lbs, 15oz, baby D has finally decided to make his grand appearance! however, there were a few complications during the c-section so (while baby D and Mrs. D are appearing to be doing well right now) please please please keep them in your prayers!!!!
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Surah:  is now officially an AUNT! welcome to the world, dustin drew dowling! 7 lbs,15 oz.. i can't wait to meet you in person! :))) congrats ruth and drew!!
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Bananas: ‎| congrats, Mrs. D + Mr. D! baby DDD finally came at 9:17ish PM -- 7 lbs 15 oz and 20 1/2 inches!
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So that is pretty much how it all went down. My water broke on its own, I went quickly through labor (except the last .5 cm took sooo long to get through!), I pushed for about 20 minutes and baby D kept trying to move around…although head down, he was not face-down, or whatever it is that babies are supposed to be to go through the birth canal. My doctor wanted to see if he would even fit, but since baby D was so stressed (I was on oxygen nearly the entire labor, as baby D’s heartrate would drop with each contraction), which we knew from all the internal monitors, he made the call for a c-section, and I consented.Bottom of Form
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Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Finally...Baby D!

Baby D!!!
Born 19 July 2010 at 9:18 PM
7 lbs 15 oz - 20.5 inches long

Monday, July 19, 2010

Playing the Waiting game

I'm in the Hospital now just waiting for my Baby D to come.  I got my epidermal so I'm feeling much better than the way I felt for the previous 13 hours.  Pictures will come once Baby D shows up.

40 weeks already??

Hopefully the last picture of the "40 week" series?

40 Weeks full of the unexpected.
hundreds of hours spent napping
a constantly moving stomach
stretch marks
false labor (so far) contractions
super weight gain
crazy cravings
swollen ankles
by some miracle my hair has finally grown out to my satisfaction
(from when I cut it myself nearly two years ago) 
I've been lucky enough that my rings still fit my chubby fingers
and somehow through it all, I have grown a baby boy to full term.
Any day now.... and you better believe I'll be bringing my laptop to the hospital to keep you up to the minute posted! :) Thank you for all your prayers carrying me to this point!

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Baby D has (at max) only 8 more days left to make his debut!

I am probably crazy for wanting to make 200 baby announcements. 
But it gave me something productive to do the past two days we (my brilliant mom, Mr. Cricut and I ) officially finished it. Here is the much-anticipated announcement... 
FOR OUR CAT. Baby D is unfortunately not here quite yet (nor is he caring to show any desire to leave anytime soon) but the addresses are all written out and his announcements are all complete, simply missing the photo and "birth stats" to be added as soon as he gets here. So for the time being, you will have to just enjoy the sample/template I made for the Kevs, at least until our Baby D is official and out here in the world :) Also, if I don't have your address, I want it! Either leave me a comment or email me at so I can get you on the mailing list :)

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Doctor's Visit #12

Still no (additional) progress so the Doc stripped my membranes (really SO much worse sounding than it actually is) and I'm up to 44.4 pounds (.2 more than last week), but Baby D seems to be doing good, just biding his time in his little cramped quarters before making his way out to this big bad world. I guess the man upstairs knows Mr. D and I need all this extra time...for what? I don't really know, but I guess we'll just prepare for the worst craziest.

And on a fun note, last night for a relief society activity, we had a "tea party"! SO much fun, and my mom and I made these fun little hats! Here are all us ladies in our full glory:

Monday, July 12, 2010

39 weeks

Boy, I am starting to look ridiculous, even in my maternity clothes!
Thank goodness for cousin Erika for giving me a much needed (first ever!) pedicure last week... 
I have never felt so dainty and pampered.

[Cricut crafting photos coming soon!]

Saturday, July 10, 2010

My Cricut Expression

This little machine has officially taken over our kitchen the last few days. And living room. My new favorite toy. (Especially because I got it for free... Thank you, Sari!!)
And now, 9 days before D-day, I am feeling inspired to create myself (with a little motherly/sisterly assistance, of course) the 200 baby announcements we'll be sending out for Baby D...

Wednesday, July 07, 2010

Fake Smiles: doctor's visit #11

Absolutely no change from last week, other than being slightly fatter... 44.2 pounds now.

I wish I didn't feel so much pressure from everyone around me to go into labor early.
So please excuse my Fake Smile this week.

On a happier note, I (recently) officially
finished reading "Jesus the Christ"... profound.
finished reading "The Girlfriends Guide to Pregnancy"... hysterical.
finished reading "On Becoming Babywise"...brilliant.
finished reading "Secrets of the Baby Whisperer"...a must-read.
cleaned out the storage closet, which I have been putting off for months ...relief.
got my first pedicure...heaven.
finally cleaned my house (for the first time in 2 weeks) before Mama Rica flew in :)

and I still have SO much more To Do
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