Saturday, January 10, 2009

Musings on 2005

I was talking with L about apartment shopping, and it made me think a lot about my own freshman-sophomore year, especially because we are so much alike. I remember the panic I felt saying good bye to all the people who had been my rock for 9 months, and returning home by myself. I cried a lot that summer, and initially I thought it was because I wouldn't be with my FYBF, but looking back it wasn't the case at all, since the I only wanted to be his FYGF when I felt most alone, as terrible as that sounds. But I was a selfish person. And that was how I felt that summer.
I was afraid of being alone. 
2005 was a year of tremendous difficulty and soul-searching that I cannot even begin to describe, but since I can still decently remember it, I wanted to be sure that I documented it, because it was a truly pivotal moment in my life. I read a lot of books and did a lot of thinking, a pretty hard thing to manage while working 3 jobs: as a hostess, tanning salon receptionist, and nanny. Through it all, I really "found" myself and readjusted my goals in life. There was one point right before going back to school when I thought, for the first time in my life, I am actually willing and ready to be in a real, long-term relationship. That was a big deal for me, since my longest relationship to that point was 2 months (not counting the off-and-on-and-off FYBF). 
I finally knew who I was, and who I wanted to be. While I was not desperate to be in a serious relationship immediately, I knew that as an individual, I was whole, complete, even. For what I think was the first time in my life to that point, I had real love for myself. And that was what what necessary to prepare me for what would lie in the second half of 2005. I finally had achieved an identity beyond the superficial outside appearance I had used since my Freshman year in high school. 
Lo and behold, I had a wonderful first week of school being single, hanging out with my supportive and loving roommates and attending my cousin's wedding back home. 
And then I met Him. And He changed my life forever. But that is a story for another time...

1 comment:

km said...

Still remember the voice message you left me that night :) I am so happy for you two, and... especially you finding who you are and what you want to do with your life. I think it is so amazing. I am still searching who I really am... and what I really want to do... I have some ideas, but I have to go for it when I feel ready.

You are never alone, Mrs!! You always have friend many many miles, maybe an ocean away... :D

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